We're Pregnant!!

We’re pregnant... and strangely I’m very, very calm.

Not disconnected, I can feel myself overwhelmed with joy, but, more relief than anything. 4 years of trying, of self doubt, of confusion and fear and wondering why, and now I’m holding a plastic stick with 2 lines on it that i had begun to think i would never see it.

The first moments I knew of your existence were spent sitting on the bathroom floor, my eyes moving back and forth between stick, instructions and your Mum, who was sitting on the loo completely stunned.

I smiled, she cried, we hugged. (this is the short version, what really happened was much funnier)

Whatever else, know that this was intentional and was an act of love with full knowledge and indeed willing for this very effect. And right now, I can’t tell anyone, so I thought I would tell you, which is odd because at the moment you are called Fred and you have been likened to being a hitchhiker. I suspect that you are a girl, well, in a biological sense you’re not even human right now, just a jumbled mess of cells slowly growing into whomever you will be. But i suspect you will be a girl.

We may have known a lot later about you if it hadn't been for Jen and her dodgy premonitions. “9th of June” she declared via Facebook, which is, as it stands right now the best bet for your birthdate. Congratulations, your arrival was predicted. However, rest assured you are not some culmination of prophecy, nor was your mum visited by angels, for I am your father (later in life you will think of heavy breathing and a scary man in a mask, but it’s ok, I will often say this to you).

Nic, your Mum and I have been waiting for you for a long time. When we first started getting serious in the early days of our relationship I was told “I will not marry you, nor will I be having any children”. I said “ OK”, however, though no direct action that went to “ OK, you and I can have kids”, to “when we have kids” to “if I marry you”, to “when we’re married and have kids” to “let’s start trying for a child now”.

That as I said was 4 years ago. Now, I didn't expect you to come along then, I knew it would be a little bit of a wait. But 4 years!! (Now you probably see why I think you’re a girl but there is more to this). It has been, as Hollywood would describe

(adopts dramatic deep voice)

“An emotional roller-coaster of epic proportions”

You see, I've always wanted children. When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I said astronaut or fireman or solider. However, as I grew up I realised I wanted just to be a Dad, a good Dad who would do stuff with their kids, who could support and love without reservation. Now, having turned my back on false prophets and accepted a more literal view of reality, I didn't have anything to rail against from stopping me from achieving this simple goal. I called it the “impossible dream” simply because it looked certain that the stars would not align

Now we have Codename: Fred a blob on a screen, a queasiness that is driving Nic to distraction and a growing sense of “oh my god” from me. I talk to you, even though you have no means to hear me yet, you’re going to be well traveled, more traveled than I and already I feel something inside that I can’t quite decide what it is; expectation? Maybe... daunted? Certainly... Bewilderment?

But mostly I’m excited to meet you, finally. I hope you are the best of both of us; though I truly hope you have your mum’s skin as you will not thank me when you hit 13. One thing is certain, you will be loved, wholly and without question, and I’m sorry now for raising you a geek, and that you will possibly be at odds with a material life, and you know that Jar Jar Binks is an abomination. But I do wonder what life you are going to lead, what exciting stuff you will get up too.

I cannot promise not to be grumpy, or upset, or that we will be able to supply everything your heart desires. But I can try to support you, to encourage you, to help when you need it, and to have the courage to let you make your own decisions. You are your own person, you most likely will be headstrong, as that’s a trait shared by both of us, but I hope we help you be curious of your environment, to have the faith in yourself to achieve whatever you wish to set as your goals.